Thursday, July 2, 2009

Day One, Again

Pablo, through the eyes of Shepard Fairey.

That's our boy—his eyes, his smile, his super wide rays of light shooting out in all directions. Shepard is a dad, and hung with Pablo many times. He knows Pablo's rays were always there in real life. Everywhere Pablo went, a glare of light announced his arrival and in his wake a streak of lighting marked his trail....

Thank you Shepard and Amanda.

Jo Ann and I slept last night. Grady's still asleep. We all went to bed way too late. Jo Ann and I didn't talk about it, but I am sure we did not want to end the day we buried our precious little child. I am sure we didn't want to end the talk and laughter and reminiscing and smiles and, of course, the tears that continue to cleanse our hearts and our souls. I am sure of all that. So sure I don't even have to ask my wife. I just know it—I'm her husband.

I ask that you give me a few days—or as long as it takes—before I reflect on Memorial and Funeral. We are at yet another Day One. Today is the first day after we buried Pablo's physical body in the ground at Forest Lawn. He is now fully and completely at rest. Now we will begin our journey of looking for Pablo's spirit and energy in our lives, in each other, in the world. It's not hard. He cast a wide net, my little Scrapper.

I want to write about the past two days, and I will. But today it's too hard. I can't touch it yet. It's too hot. The experience was immense for all three of us, and for our family, inner circle of friends, and of course, everyone. We are lucky to witness each other's love the way we did on Tuesday and Wednesday. It's the best way to connect with Pablo. It's the best way to communicate with Pablo. The ray of light we are sending up to him is higher than the sky. That little boy is smiling. Trust me. I know—I'm his Papa.

There are too many stories and experiences to tell you. My mind is calm. But my heart races. I want to share everything with everyone. Right now. So many people's hearts are turned toward Pablo right now—I don't want to miss the moment. But the moment's gonna have to wait for us. I am aware that Lance Armstrong's video blog dedication to Pablo and his and Tweets about Pablo, and Shepard Fairey's illustration and the website dedication he and his wife Amanda wrote for Pablo, have brought the eyes and hearts of tens of thousands of people who never knew Pablo. I want to tell you all about the amazing, heart-crushing, soul-expanding experience we've had over the past 13 months. I just realized that I don't have to do anything for the newcomers. It's all documented here on the Pablog. All you have to do is page back, and you can read our true-to-life story of LOVE + HOPE + FUN + PASSION...and in the end: HEARTBREAK.

¶ This morning, Dorrie and I were sitting at the dining room table. I was eating breakfast. We were talking about the fun her kids Isaac and Nadya had with Pablo in the last two weeks of his life. Pablo and Nadya excitedly shared an order of pancakes a couple weeks ago at Mani's Cafe on Fairfax.

As we were talking, a dove landed on the deck railing outside. I pointed it out to Dorrie. Then another one flew over and landed. I screamed for Jo Ann. She told us the doves started coming around when Pablo's condition worsened last week, and that they are now building a nest in the 50 foot tree that lives two inches from the back of our house.

Let me stop here and tell you I am not embellishing this story. I am not making this up. It happened just like that.

About 20 minutes later, my brother Dean and his girlfriend Caroline sat down at the table. Dean and I looked up and saw two Monarch butterflies flutter up between the 50 foot tree and the deck railing. Our dear friend Paul Massa—the 'mayor' of New Orleans—released a hundred Monarchs yesterday at Pablo's graveside.

Let me stop again and tell you I am not embellishing this story. I am not making this up. It happened just like that.

Pablo is everywhere.

We still have a house full of friends and family, with more people streaming in every 10 minutes. Let me leave you, for now, with one last story, from the Moffett family. Harry Moffett is Pablo's best friend. Those of you who attended Pablo's memorial Tuesday night know Harry's dad, Don, cos he was our emcee. Harry's mom Kristal sent us this story last night:
Check Spelling
Don and I wanted to take the kids back up to Pablo's grave and sit with him for a while and take it all in. It was so beautiful and peaceful, I know you guys know that already, that's why you picked it. We where all quiet and just being there and then this very strong smell of catholic incense came...but really strong. Don and I and the kids smelled it right away and all of a sudden. We looked around to see where it was coming from and then a white dove came shooting through us, over P's grave and up to the wall with Lincoln. As soon as that bird was at the wall the smell of the incense was gone. We were all blown away and when we got home Harry was asleep. When he woke up he told me he liked that Pablo had turned himself into a bird and that when he dies I need to watch for squirrels!!!!!!!!!!!!


jessica brooke said...

yesterday morning there were morning doves on the rail of the back deck as i had coffee. i see butterflies every time I look fro them. These Are our reminders of our connectedness, when we have our hearts open, they will appear for our eyes to see.
I loved the little prince passage in the program yesterday, another quote i love from that book goes as such:

"Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

Alberta Art Classes said...

You opened the door for magic with your sweet words, just look what happens. Doves and butterflies and wafts of the divine appear, right before our eyes...Love.

Haley said...

How amazing. He will forever make his presence known. I found out about Pablo on the Nine Inch Nails website. His story is incredible. It is truly awe-inspiring how such a little guy can touch so many people's lives...without us even knowing him personally. Thank you for sharing him; his legacy with all of us.

Heather said...

It is both a privilege and an honor to be part of the celebration and sending of Pablo and the life and light that are only beautifully and uniquely belonging to him.Last night we headed out to the beach.Found ourselves at Cross Creek.We figure the little superhero guided us there.While there we left a little message for the little man.Click on Zoey's site.It's there as a reminder of all that is real ... LOVE.Sending you all peace,strength and light for this leg of the journey.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for these amazing posts. It seems weird to say "I'm sorry for your loss," because from reading these posts, while Pablo's physical body is gone, it seems that his spirit is nowhere near lost. It's everywhere for you guys.
I grew up without any ounce of spirituality. I don't think I ever believed in God and certainly not hell; I might have hoped for a heaven or wished that when I died I might come back as a bird. Thank you for making me rethink this all, or even think it for the first time in my life.
May Pablo, in whatever state, be with you always. Your family and strength is amazing and thank you for allowing us to be a part of your lives.

jessi said...

on saturday, i was walking home from the grocery store here in brooklyn. i was carrying way too many bags, getting frustrated and tired. all of a sudden, a yellow butterfly flew up in front of me and followed me for a few blocks. i didn't think much of it until a few hours later, i learned of pablo's passing via the blog. i'd like to think that it was the little guy coming to check out the neighborhood on one of his many adventures to come.

daniellehuman said...

my heart is so full of love for all of you right now. im a close friend of acacia's and i've been reading from chicago. today my little girl ruby and i lit a candle for you and your family.

beth said...

i am home in milwaukee right now and my mom, who knows nothing about pablo, just came inside to tell me that a morning dove was fluttering around outside. purely coincidental but still neat since i just finished reading your blog. but who knows, maybe pablo wanted to check out milwaukee for a bit.

Unknown said...

Amazing, truly amazing. That's a great story to end with!

Anonymous said...

I know this is nuts, because even though I've come to know Pablo through your blog, I barely knew him. I do think of him a hundred times a day. This morning when I let my dog out, there was a dove sitting on the wire out back -- and I wondered if it was Pablo. To my dog, a bird on a wire is like a ball of yarn to a kitten. My dog is an old guy and it was funny and beautiful.

Tish Hearne said...

I believe with all my heart that these messages are true and REAL. Your deep love for Pablo will keep you in tune with every message that comes your way with each new day, becoming your new way of life.

It's not my style to write like a "Know-it-All" but I KNOW that those doves and butterflies are a message sent to you from Pablo. I say this with confidence as I receive messages of Thomas every single day since he passed away...

My heart is racing with joy at reading your stories. Why? Because "LOVE CONQUERS ALL EVIL AND IT NEVER FAILS". I can see that Pablo is already at peace, trying to create that same kind of peace for his Mommy, his Papa, and his big brother, Grady.

With love and prayers... and messages always, :)
The Hearnes

Ryan87 said...


Scott and Cathy said...

Not a dove or a butterfly, but after Pablo's service we decided to take the back road through Griffith Park, and just as we came to the bike-only road to Trash Truck Hill a young coyote crossed the road right in front of us. I can't remember the last time I saw a coyote in broad daylight. He showed no fear and continued unhurriedly up the hill. I immediately thought of Pablo's free and adventurous spirit.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Referring to as with the deer,
Dove wisdom includes:
•Brings peace and love
•Understanding of gentleness
•Spirit messenger
•Communicates between the two worlds

(but you felt that already...)

Butterfly wisdom includes:
•The power of the whirlwind

(but you felt that already...)

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, I have chills!!!! There is no doubt Pablo is all around and among all of us. And little Harry - how precious is he?

Anonymous said...

Beautiful Jeff. When my Dad was really sick, in the last week of his life, a dove came crashing into my parents breakfast room. Although it broke through A glass window, there was no blood. My brother in law calmly picked him up and took him out to the back yard, and the dove walked directly to my parents' St. Francis statue and stayed there. I had been reading my dad a biography of St. Francis that week...he was kind of obsessed with him as he got sicker and towards the end of his life. I love thinking about these Signals that continue to come if you keep your eyes and heart open for them.
My mom would like me to pass on to you guys that she continues to ask for prayers from the prisoners she plays piano for every Sunday at County. She is convinced they are the most powerful out there.
Stephanie Foley

Anonymous said...

That is so crazy, but the way it works.


Anonymous said...

While I can not say that I have seen evidence of Pablo, I can say his light shines behind the eyes of a few of the little kiddos I hang out with. His competitive spirit was right there in that moment.

We did gerinomo jumps at camp today for Pablo. We'll do them every day from now on!


Stephanie said...

I believe all the beautiful signs that tell us all that Pablo will always be around. I do believe heaven is all around us, and so are our loves.
Take your time, heal, rest. We will always be here.

meg said...

Sorry, we lost a sentence in translation there.

During a particularly fierce game of checkers, I could feel pablo's crazy competitive spirit you've talked about...

Anonymous said...

I was at the Dodger game yesterday afternoon and two white butterflies flew in front of me. Pure and full of life. Just like Pablo.
I instantly thought of him because I knew the service was going on at that same minute. I thought of him for the rest of the game. When i got home, I told her how much they had reminded me of your sweet boy, and she told me you had released butterflies at the service.

You're right, he is everywhere.

-Zoey's sister Taylor

Anonymous said...

I don't find your recent butterfly experiences just coincidental at all.
As I read the last post, I immediately started to cry - good tears. I've lost a few too many family members and friends throughout my life, and with both my grandmother and my brother the butterflies were there. My mother and I have felt our lost loved ones when these amazing creatures have been near. Particularly, on or after the funeral. I won't go on, but I believe what you feel with all my heart.
Enjoy those moments and believe me when I tell you, those phenomenal moments never stop.

Jeimy said...

I came across this website.
What a beautiful story.
He was and angel here on earth and he is an angel in wahtever place we all go at the end.
Thank you for sharing your story.

Marilyn said...

You and your family, and mostly Pablo have touched and changed my life forever. I did not know Pablo in life, however, I feel like I now know him, oh so well. What a great kid! ... you are so blessed to have him. I was so touched by the closeness of your family and the great love you all share for one another. You are all an inspiration. I am at a point in my life where I have been looking for more meaning and purpose. You have lit something inside of me that inspires me to reach out and help and to truly love others. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Pablo's family and friends will remain in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Pablo's spirit is everywhere. And you are not alone. He will shine on and be in your lives forever.

Love and Peace from Scotland, Caty

Hailey said...

Take as much time as you need, Jeff. We will still be here. I saw a deer yesterday, eating leaves from a bush, and the deer just stared at me, and kept eating when he saw me, never running off. A sign from Pablo I am sure. Love Shep's portrait of P. So so perfect capturing P's shining light. You should hang it over your mantle so it can beam P's light over your living room.

Susan said...

Following your amazing family’s difficult journey has changed me forever.  Pablo reminds me so much of my son Aaron at that age; full of joy; no pretense.  

I continue to send light and love your way, and thank you for sharing so freely with this community.

Has anyone thought about Jeff publishing his journal?  I know it would bring comfort to many people around the world, most especially men and adolescents who so often have a difficult time expressing emotion.

With hope that you have a peaceful weekend.

Affectionately, Susan (Sharla's sister)

Anonymous said...

we saw a commercial yesterday for the first time for livestrong you and Pablo were in it was great to see

christina said...

sending much love & peace. basking in the glow of pablo...