Saturday, July 11, 2009

Two Weeks Without Pablo

We've talked a lot about Pablo's fun-centered spirit. I found this June 12 photo on my Blackberry. It epitomizes millions of fun (and sinister) Pablo moments. We were leaving the house, and I was looking everywhere for him. After I made a couple rounds of our house, Pablo called out to me and I found him sitting with Beans in her kennel. The somewhat 'blah' look on his face is saying, 'Papa, not another photo?!'

Last Saturday, with a house full of loving family and friends, 1:30 p.m. passed us by. I don't even recall whether Jo Ann and I spoke about this. I remember feeling disappointed that I hadn't looked at the clock at this sacred time, that I hadn't reminded us to quiet our minds at this sacred time. Beating myself up isn't productive. I let it go. My goal was to honor the two week anniversary today. And here I am.

Two weeks ago at the exact time of this post, Pablo took his final breath. Part me is still there, in our bed, holding Pablo with Jo Ann and Grady, trying to comprehend it all. I am still asking and asking many questions, principally 'Where is Pablo? Where did he go?' Our family philosophy answers these questions: we believe that our boy has gone back to nature, back to the universe, back to Heaven. That is a trio of beliefs. And we believe each of them, wholly and completely. We do not find it important to have only one belief. It does us no good. Still, with our trio of beliefs burning in my heart, I am remain faced with the question: where is Pablo? It kept me up all night last night. It brought up a constant flow of tears that mixed with the sweat on my face as I ascended to Mt Wilson Observatory this morning. I am beginning to think I will never know. Not until I am with him. And that's OK.

We are starting to read a few books on grieving the loss of a child. This is a specific island in the archipelago of grief. Losing a child after a months-long fight with cancer is just one beach on that island. Losing a child in an accident, for instance, is very different beach. Jo Ann, Grady and I are not there. One of these books discusses this question of 'Where did my child go?' Stunning how our minds go straight to the place where other people's minds have gone. Makes where we are just a little less lonely and empty.


thepiersolfamily said...

We think about Pablo so often I wouldn't be surprised if he was on our mind at 1:30 today as well... :) Always close to our hearts.
Love you guys,

Dawn: said...

Thinking of Pablo and all of you this afternoon as well. Saw a ton of gorgeous yellow butterflies on my walk home which lifted my spirits.

K.P. said...

Some of Pablo's love flew over here to Echo Park.

miss becky said...

the moment when our loved ones transition to the spiritual world leaves it's mark in our memory...forever. in the very beginning, as that particular hour approached, my heart would begin to race and all i could do was pace, or watch the clock, or try to busy myself with other things. i don't have any answers for what it means, or why i walked around asking and wondering "where is he?" when my father died. it is all such a wonder...our human minds pondering these things day after day and having no answers to soothe our hearts. i do know that it gets better though. in time. and this is something that you know. this ride will likely be longer than any previously taken. you will at times face steep inclines and struggle your way to the top, feeling as though you have no more...anything. but, it is not so much the mountains and valleys which prove the most challenging, but the turns in the road, and there are many. it is my feeling that their sole purpose is to startle us from the brief respite we might have found; they don't allow us to coast along for any real distance without tears, passion, memories, and pain. there is no shortcut or a straight shot to the other side of all this, but knowing that there is "the other side" to it helps. the road eventually becomes straighter with fewer twists and turns. you all are practicing wonderful self-care, and that is the absolute best thing at this time. releasing the butterflies was beautiful. i continue to hold you all in my heart and send you love every day. love love love