We've talked a lot about Pablo's fun-centered spirit. I found this June 12 photo on my Blackberry. It epitomizes millions of fun (and sinister) Pablo moments. We were leaving the house, and I was looking everywhere for him. After I made a couple rounds of our house, Pablo called out to me and I found him sitting with Beans in her kennel. The somewhat 'blah' look on his face is saying, 'Papa, not another photo?!'
Last Saturday, with a house full of loving family and friends, 1:30 p.m. passed us by. I don't even recall whether Jo Ann and I spoke about this. I remember feeling disappointed that I hadn't looked at the clock at this sacred time, that I hadn't reminded us to quiet our minds at this sacred time. Beating myself up isn't productive. I let it go. My goal was to honor the two week anniversary today. And here I am.
Two weeks ago at the exact time of this post, Pablo took his final breath. Part me is still there, in our bed, holding Pablo with Jo Ann and Grady, trying to comprehend it all. I am still asking and asking many questions, principally 'Where is Pablo? Where did he go?' Our family philosophy answers these questions: we believe that our boy has gone back to nature, back to the universe, back to Heaven. That is a trio of beliefs. And we believe each of them, wholly and completely. We do not find it important to have only one belief. It does us no good. Still, with our trio of beliefs burning in my heart, I am remain faced with the question: where is Pablo? It kept me up all night last night. It brought up a constant flow of tears that mixed with the sweat on my face as I ascended to Mt Wilson Observatory this morning. I am beginning to think I will never know. Not until I am with him. And that's OK.
We are starting to read a few books on grieving the loss of a child. This is a specific island in the archipelago of grief. Losing a child after a months-long fight with cancer is just one beach on that island. Losing a child in an accident, for instance, is very different beach. Jo Ann, Grady and I are not there. One of these books discusses this question of 'Where did my child go?' Stunning how our minds go straight to the place where other people's minds have gone. Makes where we are just a little less lonely and empty.