Sunday, June 28, 2009

Waking Up

Jo Ann and I woke at 6:30 a.m.

Hurt.

Anguish.

Emptiness.

Free fall.

The first morning without Pablo.

He really is gone.

Acidic hot disorienting pain throughout our bodies.

We walked down the hall and laid in his bed and stared out the window and at his beloved library and his toys and hats and capes and the art on his walls and held one another and wept and talked and remembered and reaffirmed our beliefs in all that is seen and unseen and our faith in us.

We believe.

We love you, Pablo.

You are with us and we are with you.

Forever.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for letting us walk with you, I do not think there is a single person who knows you guys that is not waking up today thinking of you all -this walk and the prospects of today, the next minute, the next hour. For many reasons I feel confident in saying that if you ever want need desire anything, this entire community is here for you. Please ask. Blessings on your day and may it continue to be illuminated with the brilliance of Pablo!!!!!!!!!!! love Susan

Anonymous said...

Like Susan said, we all wake up thinking of you guys and keep checking to see how you guys are doing. Your sharing everything brought all of us closer to your family more than you can imagine. I live and think Pablo, and you guys too, since last year May 17. I remember you and Pablo in the shop that day. Hrach was out of town so I was there running the show. I was having fun with Pablo, and I asked him about his hair that day. He said he loved his hair and I kept playing with it. I will always remember Pablo. He guides all of us now from Heaven. Thank you for sharing your lives with us. You guys stay tough. Let us help in any way we can.
Love Nevrik

Zeus said...

Pablo is Awarded Employee of the month at Fred 62. our highest honor we can bestow. Pablo came to visit me/us here at Fred's just last week. How happy I was to see him!I always had and still do some "thing" for him. my daughter and I had made two rockets for him. I totally forgot we had, and I gave him something else, I had gotten for him. still here though. I miss him so.he would point his guns at me his highest honor and greeting.

Puanani said...

Please know, you are not alone. You are surrounded by the light and love of those who love you and love Pablo. May your path be filled with love. Like Susan, if there is anything you need, we are here. Love, Puanani, Nakula and Panchajany

Anonymous said...

The strength, dignity and grace you all show in this time of unspeakable sorrow is a true testament to how special Pablo is. I too woke this morning thinking of a family I have never met and a special little boy whose joy in life has touched all of us who visit here. Thank you for allowing all of us to grieve with you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tish Hearne said...

Your belief will get you through this... I can feel your pain. Keep holding onto each other and know that you will be together again for ETERNITY with your beautiful Pablo.

With warm hugs and sincere sorrow,
Tish

Nancy said...

I have come to Pablog many times this morning just to look once again at his smiling, beautiful face. I cannot fathom your pain. I can only simply say I hold you all in thought and prayer.

Jenny said...

Words could never convey the feeling of our sympathy, empathy and sadness for your loss...from our family to yours, please know that we're thinking of you, and of Pablo in light and happiness. Much love, from the Vents.

Kansas said...

You are his parents FOREVER, he is your son FOREVER. those bonds will never be broken, EVER. He will be with you in every breath you take...every move you make...Pablo is there. Pablo is FOREVER.

Anonymous said...

I know your pain well...it sears the flesh..its constricting ...keep leaning on each other ..thats the best advice I can give you...and take each hour by hour...breathe in ..breathe out..eat and keep loving for Pablo...

Justin said...

Pablo is now Healed and whole..no more pain and suffering....He is waiting for you..for that day when you will all be reunited again as one big happy family. once again. Hold on...hold on...

Jen Berry said...

looking at all the fabulous times you gave pablo the past year. allowing and encouraging him to live despite all around him. you are amazing people

Sara said...

Dearest Jeff, Jo Ann and Grady,

We are heart broken. Please accept our deepest sympathy. You are such special people and Pablo was so wise in choosing you as his Mommy, Daddy and big brother. Please know we are thinking of you and sending our love your way during this very difficult time.

Love,
Sara, Nick, Simon and Cheyenne

Molly said...

Jeff,

I wish our circles still traveled close, so I could share with you how deeply my family shares in your grief and in celebration for Pablo. I am stunned and humbled to imagine the extremes you feel yet comforted to know you are surrounded by the dynamic family of friends there and everywhere.

A bit of Milwaukee shines and mourns with you and your family, old friend.

Molly Schneider, Brad and Norah

Anonymous said...

We woke up hurting, too, just thinking of how you all must feel. Pablo is whole again, joyful, and looking forward to the time his family can be reunited, never to be separated or filled with pain again. Hold on strong to each other and to your faith.
Love, Dennis & Dianne Gary

Jen said...

I hope up this morning with Pablo in my head and heart. Your story will always walk with me.

Jen

Heather said...

And we are here with you sweet friends.We are here with you, for this next leg of the journey.

stephanie said...

RI is still here too.

meowhouse said...

I heard the latest news via Justin at nin. Deepest condolences. Please know that many many people were following Pablo's story and will remember him. That is a mark both he and you have left on the world. He's still with you, and us.

Anonymous said...

There are no words to express my sympathy for your family! I did find this poem though and wanted to share it with you and your family. God Bless!
Little Angels
When God calls little children
to dwell with Him above.
We mortals sometimes question
the wisdom of His love.
for no heartache compares with
the death of one small child,
who does so much to make our world
seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to His fold.
So He picks a rosebud
before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them
and so He takes but few,
to make the land of Heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult
still somehow me must try.
The saddest word mankind know
will always be "Goodbye".
So when a child departs
we who are left behind,
must realize God loves children,
Angels are hard to find.
~Author Unknown

Anonymous said...

The fog will lift with time but the pain will never completely dimish. Lean on each other, talk of Pablo often, tell stories and always remember he is with you, watching over you and he will be sending you signs that he is at peace if you open your eyes and see them...,I have walked the road you are now on and some days all I can do is take one breath and one step at a time....ten years later.
You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

So sad to hear that Pablo is gone.

Love lights the way back
On angel's fingertips guide
Safely held in Love

Each and every day in the kindergarten the children would say,"The angel star shines so far for Pablo".
Now he shines his light down upon you.

Healing love and light to you all- KR

Sandy Reeve said...

Dear Jeff, Joann, Grady & Family,
Through your blog we suffered with you, learned with you and came to love all of you, especially the Beautiful Boy whose aura comes through all those fantastic photos. Today we plant flowers for Pablo in our garden with two hawks circling above screaming out as if they share our indignance at the unfairness of this loss. In our hills in San Diego we think of you in your house in the Silverlake Hills. It seems trite to say that we learned so much from you Jeff, but we did. We learned of the necessity of curing childhood cancer; we learned of the love one brother has for another; we learned of the beauty and wonder a man can have for his wife's ability to create a child and we learned how to love our children deeper and treasure their existance each moment instead of at each accomplishment. Your words were so powerful, your love immense, your ability to share with us so consumately unselfish. I do not know you but I love you. Our family suffers for you and we will so miss the daily stories of the little speedy beam of light and happiness called Pablo. Should my son be fortunate enough to someday have a son like Pablo, he will be a great father because he sees your example as the finest father on the planet Earth on a daily basis.
Love, Sandy Reeve

Anonymous said...

I am so sad Mommy...........He has gone back to his star and I will see him there.

Harry Moffett

Brad said...

I only met Pablo one time, but I'll never forget it. It was on a tour bus at Lollapalooza. With that big head of curly brown hair and rad sunglasses - and what a name - PABLO!! - I couldn't believe it; he was the biggest star at the festival. The kid was truly unforgettable. I didn't (and still don't really) know the Castelaz family all that well, just through an association with my wife. But when I found out that Pablo was ill, it had a much more powerful effect than you would think for a person I had just met once. I started checking this blog as often as I would any of the music blogs I browse (and got SO much more out it than Pitchfork)...I've been so incredibly moved by the love and support this family and their huge circle of friends have shown to rally around little Pablo. Although Marie and I are not parents yet ourselves, it's been an amazing inspiration to me to witness Jeff and Jo Ann's patience and strength through this all - and even though I don't even really personally know them, they are role models to me on what being a father and mother are really all about. And for that I thank them. And for Pablo, who I just met one time for 10 minutes for impacting me the way that he did.

Brad Oldham

Anonymous said...

I have not stopped thinking and sending you all so much love. You have taught me so much. And Pablo continues to teach me. I am so thankful for being a part of your lives and having known Pablo. I want to be like Pablo when I grow up. I love you guys.

Carrie

Anonymous said...

A friend told me about Pablo on Friday. I started reading your blog right before you so bravely went home with your boy. I have followed along through this terribly sad weekend. As I read your beautiful, loving words, I keep asking myself, "how are they handling themselves with such grace? how are they conducting themselves with such dignity?" and, even as I ask myself, I know in an instant that the answer is PABLO! HIs light and his love is your guide right now so everything you are feeling and doing is absolutely right.

This is someone you don't even know sending you strength and love...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your beautiful son with us. We don't know your family and we didn't know Pablo but through your words and writings we wish that we did. We are so grateful for your inspiration and we are praying for your family. Pablo is and will always be with you. I am sure that he is making and sharing alot of his love in heaven right now. What joy there must be there!

God Bless!
The Deitrick Family