Thursday, December 24, 2009

What It's Like Without Pablo

Once in a while, I look back to the post from exactly one year ago. Today is one of those days. It's Christmas Eve, and I don't know what or how to feel. Well, I know that my insides feel like the pin has been pulled out of the grenade and nothing feels good. My brain is telling my emotions to get used to this. 'This' being Pablo's physical absence from our lives. That push and pull leaves me feeling...nothing. Guarded. Protected. Flat.

I just miss my son. Badly. Deeply.

A year ago today, our house was filled with hope and joy and gratitude. Most of all, it was filled with Pablo. And his five-year-old Xmas excitement. Today couldn't be more different.

Here's my post from last Christmas Eve. The brightness in Pablo's eyes might just be the perfect antidote to how low I'm feeling today.

We're flying to New Orleans tomorrow—our first family trip to Jo Ann's hometown in over two years. Another first. We'll be surrounded by family and friends. In fact, we're staying with Gretchen and Jon Drennan and their three kids. So we'll have no choice but to mix it up and keep our heads above water.

I'm wishing you a happy holiday season. Whatever you celebrate, we wish you all the best. Please hold Pablo in your heart tonight and tomorrow!

16 comments:

beth said...

Merry Christmas, Pablo

beth said...

Merry Christmas, Pablo

angelapoe said...

Merry Christmas! I will keep Pablo in mind all throughout the day tomorrow and you all throughout this season.

:)

Puanani said...

May the season of light, lighten your hearts...

chad said...

Thinking of your wonderful family and sending some positive thoughts your way.

Dawn said...

Have been holding Pablo and all of you close to my heart this week. Love.

Tweedle Beetle Tri-Athletle said...

Thank you...

I read your story this morning in ROAD magazine. As a fellow cyclist, my wife included this as a stocking stuffer. I was brought to tears as I also have two boys, Aidan who is 4 and Brodie who is 2 as I grieved for your loss. Through that sadness though, I realized that I have so much to be grateful for and that tomorrow is not guaranteed. Your story gave me a priceless gift - the realization that life's crap is so insubstantial as compared to the blessings which are immediately in front of us. So often this realization only comes when those blessings are lost. Today, you helped another father be a better father and husband. Thank you Jeff and thank you Pablo. Merry Christmas. Your family is in our hearts and prayers.

Jensen

stephanie said...

Merry Christmas to you too.
Pablo comes into my mind so often. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers this Christmas, God Bless!

lara said...

Mercer finally got the marshmellow shooter today. The one like Pablo's. The one Pablo shot me with the last time I saw him - and I loved it. Mercer's been waiting 6 months for it. So we're not just holding Pablo in our hearts today, we're running around, screaching with joy, taking the bad boys down, being the bad boys and smiling all the while with Pablo right by our side. Sending love and peace and marshmellows.

lara said...

Mercer finally got the marshmellow shooter today. The one like Pablo's. The one Pablo shot me with the last time I saw him - and I loved it. Mercer's been waiting 6 months for it. So we're not just holding Pablo in our hearts today, we're running around, screaching with joy, taking the bad boys down, being the bad boys and smiling all the while with Pablo right by our side. Sending love and peace and marshmellows.

Jackson said...

Merry Christmas Pablo
Love
Cheri

Heather said...

Love to you my friends.Strength and peace for the journey through these days.

jess said...

Merry Christmas, wishing you peace.

Pablo look ready to explode with glee in last years pictures, hold on to his joy.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of Pablo during the holiday season...

Vikki said...

Hi. I am Nathan Boyett's mother. I just wanted to tell you through my heart and tears how much your dedication on day 27 of your bike ride meant to our family and friends. Although, I only saw it yesterday for the first time, our hearts are touched forever. After reading Pablo's story, I am in awe of your sons courage and strength and what you are doing for childhood cancer is amazing. Pablo's voice will continue to be heard through you and your family.
Again, thank you for dedication to Nathan and to all the other children as well.

Vikki Boyett
vikki.boyett@yahoo.com
www.caringbridge.org/visit/nathanboyett

Brandi said...

Jeff,

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I very recently found your blog and have been reading it on a nightly basis.

Our 8-month-old son, Isaac, was diagnosed with Wilms on December 19, 2009. Reading your journey, and what to expect has really helped us tremendously.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts, for sharing your sweet Pablo with the world. THANK YOU for starting the Pablove Foundation in helping treat other Childhood Cancer patients, like our son.


Brandi