Monday, December 7, 2009

Slowing Down

It's raining in Los Angeles. There's something about rain here in LA that I love. It equalizes everything: the smoggy sky gets a scrubbing, the trees get a drink, and, in a perfect world, traffic slows down and chills out. I always feel that rain (and snow when I lived in Milwaukee) puts everyone on the same level, regardless of what's going on in their lives. For some reason, that comforts me. I like it when we're all together.

I am tired from a hard week at the office and from yesterday's 20K time trial on the bike. I am came in third place at the race. Gave it all I had, and then a bit more. And, boy, do I feel it today. Didn't feel this tweaked at any point during Pablove Across America. I think it has to do with the fact that, waking up this morning, I have no major goals in front of me for the rest of the year. What a f***ing relief.

My focus for the next three weeks is family—Jo Ann and Grady and our extended family and friends. But mainly Jo Ann and Grady. Everyone says that the holidays are the hardest part when you lose someone—a child—and I know this must be true. So far, every day has been what I'd characterize as 'hard.' A deep, dull sadness swells up inside me seeing Christmas-themed decorations and trees and Santa stuff all over town. I breathe in, I breathe out and I think of how happy Pablo was this time last year. I remember how happy Pablo was all the time. What else can I do?


As you can tell from the infrequency of my posts since returning from the road, my writing is slowing down. Riding across the United States for six weeks, and racing yesterday makes the words 'slowing' and 'down' seem very attractive. For the past 18 months, there's been something to say every day, so I've posted every day. Lately, when I get that writing feeling, I put it into my book proposal. That's now finished and out to publishers, and I'm still not compelled to write blog posts every day. I want a quieter life for now.
I will continue to post, but far less frequently.

Gratitude: I appreciate the time you've given to the Pablog, and how you've passed it on to friends and folks in your own blogospheres. You are our community, and the Pablog is our meeting ground. Thank you. I'll see you soon. Very soon.

12 comments:

bikedate said...

I hear ya, just make the holidays what they are, a feel the affection from everyone around you. When you write, we'll read. We don't expect anything more...

Heather said...

Soak in each other.that is all that is important.Know that I am here, loving you from a far.Or really not so far.Hug that beautiful wife of yours for me.Love,love,love to you all.

Dana said...

i hope you keep writing Jeff, it's so great to read your thoughts. apart from that, all strength and light for the upcoming holidays..!

Anonymous said...

Dear Jeff, Thank you for sharing Pablo with us. Though we never had the pleasure of meeting your beatiful little boy, I know my family will never forget him. We will continue to support the Pablove Foundation in any manner that we can. I wish you and your family the best as you work your way through this journey, that I can only imagine is unbearable at times. Glad to know that you will be slowing down and spending time together. Always wishing you guys the best! Lisa Hickey

Anonymous said...

Enjoy this time with JoAnn and Grady. Pablo would want you to laugh, cry, and find peace during these holidays. Whether it's raining outside or a sunny California day, just know that Pablove is in our hearts. your loving Physical Therapist

Lisa said...

Be well Jeff. Take the time for yourself and be with Jo-Anne and Grady. I wish you inner peace this holiday season and blessings for the family.
Hugs,
Lisa :)
p.s. The snow here in winnipeg gives me the same feeling! I love it!

Allan H said...

I never missed a post, but no one will ever hold you to more than what you have done. Like every thing you have done in life, you need to keep moving forward.Your energy and strength has been inspirational to us all.

Tish said...

Jeff, JoAnn and Grady ~ Our family is sending you a warm and heartfelt Merry Christmas wish, along with deep gratitude for all you have done, and continue to do, for children with cancer. Your family is beautiful. Pablo is proud.

Becky said...

it is snowing in Milwaukee and forcast 8-12". Still, I wouldn't trade it for rain in LA for nothin'. Slow down, breathe, and be still for awhile. You deserve it. Hug your wife today.

i am faye said...

Hello,
I came across your blog in Filter Magazine. From a cancer survivor wanting to impart hope to others, and a preschool teacher wanting to learn how to give the best care to children and support to their families, thank you for writing, whenever you feel like it, so openly and honestly. May your holiday season be blessed.

Anonymous said...

Will continue to pray for you and your family. I believe Pablo is always proud of you and all you have done for so many children and others! Elizabeth

Dawn said...

Love to all of you during this Season. You're in my heart.