Monday, June 27, 2011

Pablo At -2 Years


Two years ago today, Pablo lay in our bed, in our arms, hearing our words of love as we soothed him in his final hours and minutes. Since that moment, life for me has been an emotional and psychological wilderness. Most of the time, I am lost amid dense growth, not knowing which direction will lead me to, well, I wouldn't know where I'm supposed to be headed....

People ask me all sorts of questions about how I feel. I never know what to say. I feel small and shrink away as my mouth says words until the questioner in front of me looks satisfied. The fact is, I have no idea where I'd want to go if I did know the direction out of my trees. Going home, being alone—those things are epically raw and gnarly. I am grateful when I'm doing the work of The Pablove Foundation and Dangerbird, and when I'm on my bike. At those moments, I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be.


Sometimes I wonder: What was the first word I said to my son? Does he see me now, every mistake I make, every gain I make, reeling with unending sadness, faking smiles, passing time until it's my time to hear the words of people who love me and who are letting me know it's OK to go? I do believe that I will never know....until I know.


What I know is that I love Pablo. He gave my life purpose. Being his papa brought harmony to my life. All I had to do to find the rhythm that underpinned it all was to follow Pablo through the streets and playgrounds of LA, New Orleans, Milwaukee, Chicago and NYC. It was that simple. I had no idea how to be a father. He always showed me how it was supposed to be.


I miss Pablo. I will carry his spirit for the rest of my life. For as long as my lungs keep breathing. When I am done, I can assure you I will be happy to be with Pablo, in that place beyond here.... Whatever it's called.

11 comments:

stephanie said...

can't tell you how many times you go through my head. Just the other day we were somewhere and one of my kids said to me, "look that little boy looks like Pablo"

He touched our lives in a special way and we will always smile when we think of him.

Jules said...

We still love and think of you guys all the time. xo

Pablove forever

Araminta Bazaar said...

Sending love. ML xo.xxo.

Kate in Ireland said...

Much love being sent to you, really great to read your words as always, candles lit in Ireland in honour of your boy, who is thought of often even though I never knew him.

Zoey's mom said...

Love,lots of it coming your way.Big Zoey hugs and kisses.You all were close to my heart today.Especially the incredible Mr.P.

magic dragon said...

Lots of love sent your way. You have a beautiful way of expressing your pain and loss. I totally understand what you mean. (Lost my own boy four years ago tomorrow.) One day we will both be reunited with our beloved boys, and all will be good again. xo

Mary Ochowicz-Sczesny said...

No questions...no answers. Just love for all of you!!!

Anonymous said...

It seems like yesterday. I haven't forgotton Pablo or your family.

Jenefer Curtis

Anonymous said...

Your family is always on our minds and we appreciate the great things you are doing through Pablove!

Kindest regards,
Travis, Debbie, Nikolas and Corey

Jules said...

Wanted to let you all know that I was in NYC this past week and I lit a candle for Pablo at St. Patrick's.

https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/CL0nHcRoK_pL_eRx7rMaJQ?feat=directlink

xo

auteur said...

Beautiful words. As a father of two boys, it brings tears to my eyes.